Collection of cool and funny one lines about money. These short jokes are sarcastic and reveal life experiences in earning money, usual expenses and more.

Funny money one liners

 

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.

Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

You better hope you marry rich.

I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.

No checks (Czechs are welcome).

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.

I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

Money is the root of all wealth.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

If at first you don't succeed: try management.

If at first you don't succeed: try management.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

You don't work – you don't have money to live, you work – there's no time to live.

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?

Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.

What's six inches long that women love? Folding money.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.