Collection of funniest one liner puns that are simple wordplay for comedic or rhetorical effects. These cool and smart use of words is hilarious to read.
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
There is 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you I LOVE YOU.
What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Fishermen are reel men.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
Black magic.... It doesn't work.
Why are most politicans in the closet or gay? Because they can only mandate.
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.