Collection of really funny one liners for the occasion of retirement. These short and funny one lines are intended to make fun of retired person and retired life.

Funny Retirement One Liners

 

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.

Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle.

Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.

What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.

Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!