Large collection of best sarcastic one liners jokes. These short one lines are sarcastic, full of attitude, and intended to be rude and funny.

Sarcastic one liners

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

I found out about you from my last nightmare.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin!

I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

I know how to feed a nation…but will she eat it?

My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.

Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?

Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.

Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.

Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?

I like the sound of you not talking.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train.

If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!

There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.

One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.

I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.

Cancer cures smoking.

My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.

My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Cannibals like to meat people.

People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

I bet even your farts smell good.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.

I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?

Only an ass can be divided in half.

Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...

I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.

Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.

If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?

Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.

As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?

Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.

If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.

For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

What makes you think this is my first time?

Miss Anders... I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

Social life? You mean my phone?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.

I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

Do you need space? Join NASA!

Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.

They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.

I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but...

In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.

Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win... they lose.

This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable.

The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.

If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib!

You're so fat, you could sell shade.

Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.