List of hilarious female one liners that are funny. Collection has female one liners that are feminist, sarcastic, and intended to be funny.

Female funny one liners

Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.

What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"

Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away.

Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.

A girl never comments on another unless she's jealous.

I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?

She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

If a woman gave in very fast it's not because of the man but the men that came before him.

A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!

A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.

Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?

When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine" than when you are flying on an airplane.

Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Never trust a man that says, "Trust me." and never trust a woman that says "It's fine."

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to f*ck? When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Place to hang their air freshener.

When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."

Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

Like arguing with a forest fire.

Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.

Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.

My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.

‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.

Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ...so I said "Implants?"

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Some people prefer their women young and tender; I prefer mine ten and younger.

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.

The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!" Fucking b*tch.

Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why did God create black men? So fat white girls could dance (and get laid).

I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.

What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.

Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.

To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female…

A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind.

Women who seek to be equal to men...LACK AMBITION!

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

She is not my reword, I am her punishment.

(NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.

Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.

Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.

A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.

You are so tall in my eyes that they can't rise higher than your waist.

The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.

Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.

A beautiful woman delights a man's eye, an ugly – woman's eye.

If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch!

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven.

She's as smart as bait.