It may sound cliche to say "Its a Matter of Perspective", but thats exactly what human perspectives are - some times witty and most of the times just funny and hilarious. Read this collection of some of the funniest one liners about human perspective, outlooks, and attitudes.
Read more one liner jokes about attitudes, here.
I became a vegetarian – switched to weed.
I don't do different things... It's just that I do things differently!
I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."
Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!" Fucking b*tch.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!
I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.
A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…
Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, i think 'll start calling them traditions
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing – you will not only regret but will also suffer.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."
I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.
You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
Don't make me use UPPERCASE.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
It's gonna be ok.
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind…
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.
I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.
Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.
If you're going through Hell, keep going.
Everything is rightly confused.
I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.
I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody...
You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
Virginity is curable.
God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If at first you don't succeed: try management.
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.