Large collection of funny one lines about life that are hilarious to read. These are sarcastic but funny short one liners about life.
Sarcastic one liner jokes
We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of funny and sarcastic lines and enjoy.
1: Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.
2: Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
3: We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
4: I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
5: I don’t care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.
6: Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
7: Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
8: Men mostly hate two words: ‘not’ and ‘enough’… unless you say them together.
9: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
10: Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.
11: We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12: Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
13: What did one ghost say to another ghost? ‘Do you believe in people?’
14: If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store is free yet?
15: Appreciate how some people don’t come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.
16: By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
17: One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
18: Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
19: I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
20: When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says ‘hey, I just wanna be friends.’
21: The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
22: I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
23: Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn’t THIS job.
24: Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!
25: Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
26: To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
27: If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
28: A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
29: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t? Come in eight flavors.
30: Don’t forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.
31: A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
32: Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
33: If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
34: I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
35: Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
36: The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.
37: If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield.
38: Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
39: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
40: What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
41: I’ve been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.
42: If you’re going through Hell, keep going.
43: Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
44: Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
45: I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
46: Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
47: Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
48: I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.
49: Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.
50: When in doubt, mumble.
51: Why don’t men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
52: You don’t work – you don’t have money to live, you work – there’s no time to live.
53: I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don’t buy and eat anything.
54: He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
55: Time may be a great healer but it’s also a lousy beautician.
56: Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
57: A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
58: Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it’s from the newsgroup server.
59: Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
60: Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
61: Diplomacy is saying ‘nice doggy’ until you find a big rock.
62: What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
63: Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called ‘Headmaster?’
64: Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
65: Everything is rightly confused.
66: It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
67: When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, ‘A very good doctor’.
68: Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
69: The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
70: Kids, don’t grow up… it’s a trap!
71: With a calendar, your days are numbered.
72: Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
73: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
74: Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
75: Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
76: Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
77: 42 percent of statistics are made up!
78: Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
79: Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
80: If you want to hide your face, go out naked.
81: Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.
82: Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
83: A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
84: I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception
85: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
86: Vegetarian: Native American definition for ‘lousy hunter’.
87: Does your train of thought have a caboose?
88: The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
89: How does a woman show she’s planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
90: TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
91: What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
92: A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
93: Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
94: It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.
95: All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
96: Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
97: Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
98: Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
99: If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
100: Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
101: You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
102: Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
103: Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
104: Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.
105: The device will work much better, if you turn it on.
106: I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
107: I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
108: I’ve put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.
109: I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
110: The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don’t know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
111: The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship ‘I apologize’ and ‘You are right.’
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