List of hilarious female one liners that are funny. Collection has female one liners that are feminist, sarcastic, and intended to be funny.
Earlier we published women one liners that are bit on the softer side, but this one is really hilarious.
Female one liner jokes
We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list and enjoy.
1: He spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.
2: ‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?’ ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
3: A beautiful woman delights a man’s eye, an ugly – woman’s eye.
4: A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
5: A girl never comments on another unless she’s jealous.
6: A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
7: A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
8: A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
9: A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
10: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
11: A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that’s why you need to have a spare one.
12: A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind.
13: A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away.
14: A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.
15: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
16: A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, ‘Depends on what’s in it for me.’
17: A women’s work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.
18: Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
19: Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
20: Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.
21: Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.
22: Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
23: Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
24: Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
25: Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.
26: Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
27: Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.
28: Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
29: Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.
30: Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.
31: During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
32: Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
33: Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.
34: Girls are like internet domain names… the ones I like are already taken.
35: Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don’t dream about a girl that everyone else has.
36: He: So then, what’s your sign? She: Dollar.
37: How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.
38: How do men define a ’50/50′ relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
39: How do you fix a woman’s watch? Why should you? There’s a clock on the oven.
40: How do you tell if a chick’s too fat to fck? When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
41: I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won’t stop texting me.
42: I like to show my girlfriend who’s boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face. I married Miss Right.
43: I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
44: I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception
45: I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
46: I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
47: I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it …so I said ‘Implants?’
48: I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, ‘I’m peeing in here!’ Fucking btch.
49: I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn’t listen.
50: If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she’s sleeping.
51: If a woman gave in very fast it’s not because of the man but the men that came before him.
52: If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’
53: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
54: Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
55: Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
56: It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
57: Like arguing with a forest fire.
58: Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.
59: Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
60: My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.
61: My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
62: My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
63: Never argue with a woman when she’s tired…or when she’s rested.
64: Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
65: Never trust a man that says, ‘Trust me.’ and never trust a woman that says ‘It’s fine.’
66: Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
67: She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
68: She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
69: She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
70: She’s as smart as bait.
71: Some people prefer their women young and tender; I prefer mine ten and younger.
72: Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
73: The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.
74: The end of a relationship isn’t the worst thing. It’s worse when it doesn’t end after the end.
75: The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.
76: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.’
77: The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
78: The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don’t know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
79: There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can’t drive a car and start behaving illogically.
80: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
81: To weigh 50 kilos and say that you’re fat, that is so female…
82: Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
83: Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.
84: Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
85: What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? ‘Honey, I’m home!’
86: What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!
87: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it’s the men who play with them the most.
88: What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!
89: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
90: What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need…A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
91: What is the thinnest book in the world? ‘What Men Know About Women’
92: What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
93: What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
94: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
95: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!
96: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
97: Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
98: What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
99: When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says ‘hey, I just wanna be friends.’
100: When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.
101: Why are women like KFC? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
102: Why did God create black men? So fat white girls could dance (and get laid).
103: Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
104: Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they’re so rare.
105: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.
106: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
107: Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it’s all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
108: Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
109: Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
110: Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
111: Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
112: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
113: Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Place to hang their air freshener.
114: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don’t have balls to scratch!
115: Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don’t have penises to put them in
116: Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
117: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
118: Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
119: Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
120: Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
121: Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?
122: Women who seek to be equal to men…LACK AMBITION!
123: You are so tall in my eyes that they can’t rise higher than your waist.
124: You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
125: You’re 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, ‘I’m fine’ than when you are flying on an airplane.
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