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125 Marriage One Liners That are Really Funny

Jokes on marriage are hilarious in general. One liners on marriage are not just hilarious but witty as well. Here is the collection of best 125 marriage one lines that are funny, hilarious, witty, and enjoyable to read.

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Marriage one liner jokes

We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of funny marriage one lines and enjoy.

1: Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

2: Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.

3: Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.

4: Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

5: You can’t know a person well until you live with them. You can’t know them really well until you divorce them.

6: The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

7: I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

8: Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

9: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

10: My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

11: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.

12: Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

13: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

14: The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

15: It’s better to be the first lover than a third wife.

16: Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.

17: My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

18: When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.

19: Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

20: Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

21: It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

22: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

23: Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

24: Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

25: May you never leave your marriage alive.

26: Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

27: What’s the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.

28: You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

29: A wife can enjoy anything, until it’s not my salary.

30: Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

31: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

32: Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

33: The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship ‘I apologize’ and ‘You are right.’

34: Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

35: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They’re married.

36: Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.

37: She is not my reword, I am her punishment.

38: A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

39: Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

40: A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

41: It’s a sin to love another’s wife and a punishment to love yours.

42: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.

43: Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.

44: My wife’s not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, ‘All kids smell that way.’

45: To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.

46: I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.

47: There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

48: There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

49: What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

50: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

51: My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

52: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

53: Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

54: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

55: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.

56: At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

57: My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

58: An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

59: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

60: Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.

61: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.

62: I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

63: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

64: How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

65: When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

66: You shouldn’t come back, because later you’ll still want to leave.

67: If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

68: How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

69: If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she’s sleeping.

70: My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.

71: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.

72: I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘Somewhere I have never been!’ I told her, ‘How about the kitchen?’

73: I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

74: It’s uncomfortable when the neighbor’s kids look like you.

75: Wife: ‘I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?’ Husband: ‘You have perfect eyesight.’

76: I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

77: Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

78: My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

79: Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

80: Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

81: A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.

82: Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

83: A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’

84: Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

85: If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.

86: If you can’t say something nice, say it to your husband… he’s not listening anyway.

87: The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

88: I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

89: Why can’t single women fart? They don’t get an asshole till they get married.

90: Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?

91: You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

92: My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

93: My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

94: Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

95: The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don’t know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

96: What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

97: Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!

98: The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.

99: My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

100: Do you need space? Join NASA!

101: Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

102: You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

103: Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

104: Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

105: What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? ‘Honey, I’m home!’

106: Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn’t mean that all men are blind.

107: People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

108: Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

109: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!

110: It’s not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.

111: I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

112: What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!

113: How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

114: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

115: How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

116: Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

117: A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

118: All men are idiots…and I married their king.

119: I think the only time my ex didn’t fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

120: How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

121: Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.

122: The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

123: A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing.

124: I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

125: If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

Did you find marriage one liners funny?

We at TabloidIndia, love funny short jokes and would love to hear whether you like our collection of marriage one liners. Do share your feedback.

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