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128 Funniest One Lines on Men vs Women

Large collection of funny one liners on Men vs Women topic. These are hilarious and intended to be sarcastic, funny, and witty. Enjoy reading Men vs Women one liners.

You may also find it as good read to check on men one liners, women one liners and also hilarious female one lines.

Men vs Women one liners

We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of “men vs women” lines and enjoy.

1: Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.

2: A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)

3: Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

4: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

5: How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

6: What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

7: Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8: What’s the worthless piece of skin hanging off the end of a penis? A man.

9: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

10: A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

11: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man’s undivided attention!

12: Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

13: The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship ‘I apologize’ and ‘You are right.’

14: What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

15: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

16: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

17: A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

18: Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love

19: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it’s the men who play with them the most.

20: Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

21: What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

22: Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

23: Few women admit their age; few men act it.

24: Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.

25: Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

26: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

27: Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

28: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.

29: What’s the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

30: A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him.

31: It’s uncomfortable when the neighbor’s kids look like you.

32: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

33: Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

34: What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

35: For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.

36: I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception

37: Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

38: Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?

39: Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.

40: Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

41: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

42: A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

43: I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

44: I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

45: A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.

46: Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say ‘don’t’ and if he touches your pussy say ‘stop’? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said ‘don’t stop’.

47: Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don’t understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.

48: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

49: When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

50: No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

51: Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don’t have penises to put them in

52: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

53: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

54: Why can’t men get mad cow disease? Because they’re all pigs.

55: Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.

56: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

57: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

58: It is said that, a way to a man’s heart goes through a stomach. Aha…you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup.

59: Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn’t mean that all men are blind.

60: Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

61: I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.

62: If you can’t say something nice, say it to your husband… he’s not listening anyway.

63: How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

64: He doesn’t know the meaning of fear… but then again, he doesn’t know the meaning of MOST words.

65: The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.

66: The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she’s pretty he’s not my friend.

67: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

68: Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

69: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

70: What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.

71: Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

72: A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.

73: Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?

74: Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.

75: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

76: The three words most hated by men during sex? ‘Are you In?’ or ‘Is It In?’

77: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

78: A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

79: There are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don’t admit it.

80: The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you’re sick of him.

81: Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it’s all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

82: I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don’t see them crying about it.

83: What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

84: A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

85: If another woman steals your man, there’s no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can’t be stolen.

86: Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

87: A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, ‘Depends on what’s in it for me.’

88: Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

89: Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

90: Men of quality respect women’s equality.

91: Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.

92: The end of a relationship isn’t the worst thing. It’s worse when it doesn’t end after the end.

93: Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.

94: Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

95: What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!

96: Why don’t men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.

97: All men are idiots…and I married their king.

98: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

99: S.I.N.G.L.E…sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!

100: Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

101: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

102: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

103: ‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?’ ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?

104: Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

105: Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.

106: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

107: Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

108: Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.

109: A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

110: The only reason the term ‘Ladies first’ was invented was for the guy to check out the woman’s ass.

111: Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.

112: He is known as a miracle comic. If he’s funny, it’s a miracle!

113: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

114: A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

115: I like to show my girlfriend who’s boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.

116: Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

117: What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

118: There’s a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain.

119: Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

120: Why don’t women have men’s brains? Because they don’t have penises to put them in.

121: What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

122: You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

123: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

124: Being an ugly girl is like being a man……you have to work

125: A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘Oh alright, I’ll stay the night.’

126: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

127: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.

128: The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

Men vs Women – who is the boss?

Check this interesting statistics nicely put on Men vs Women boss from the study done in USA.

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