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142 Men One Liners that are Really Funny

Huge collection of one liners on men that are really funny. These short one liners on male are sarcastic, funny, and witty. They are hilarious to read.

If you like men one liners as funny, you may also like reading ultimate men vs women compilation as well as one liners one women.

Funny men one liners

We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of funny men one lines and enjoy.

1: If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.

2: Avoid arguments about the toilet seat…use the sink…

3: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

4: Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

5: What’s the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

6: Man’s appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows.

7: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

8: A beautiful woman delights a man’s eye, an ugly – woman’s eye.

9: Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

10: She is not my reword, I am her punishment.

11: Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can’t find herself a man. She doesn’t like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn’t like her.

12: You don’t like her? Drink more.

13: Where does one apply to be a ‘kept man’?

14: When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

15: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He’s breathing.

16: It’s not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.

17: How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?

18: By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

19: Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

20: A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

21: Don’t let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

22: A wife can enjoy anything, until it’s not my salary.

23: A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.

24: Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.

25: What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need…A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

26: Weak men have a lover, strong men – three.

27: Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

28: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

29: Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

30: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.

31: I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

32: The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

33: How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

34: I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.

35: Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

36: Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

37: Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music.

38: Why do men like masturbation? It’s sex with someone they love.

39: A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

40: If a woman has fallen – an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her.

41: Why did God put men on the Earth? Becuase a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

42: Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win… they lose.

43: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

44: An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

45: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

46: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

47: Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

48: Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

49: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

50: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They’re trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

51: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.

52: Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

53: What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.

54: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals.’

55: I came inside of her not because of the fame but because of the human life on earth.

56: Why can’t women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.

57: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor.

58: What’s the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.

59: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

60: If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.

61: What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? ‘Are you done?’

62: According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

63: If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.

64: Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they’re so rare.

65: When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

66: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

67: Men? On the whole, I’d rather buy new batteries.

68: So many boys, such little minds.

69: What is the thinnest book in the world? ‘What Men Know About Women’

70: If you love a woman, you shouldn’t be ashamed to show her to your wife.

71: My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

72: Men mostly hate two words: ‘not’ and ‘enough’… unless you say them together.

73: If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.

74: Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.

75: Why is a man’s pee yellow, and his sperm white? So he can tell if he’s coming or going.

76: What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!

77: What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants!

78: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

79: What’s one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view.

80: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

81: Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

82: If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’

83: What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

84: Why is the book ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.

85: How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

86: I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, ‘I’m peeing in here!’ Fucking b*tch.

87: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

88: I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.

89: What food describes most men? Jerky.

90: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? ‘Is it in?’

91: Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

92: He’s a few clowns short of a circus.

93: Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.

94: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

95: Where does one apply to be a ‘kept man’?

96: Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

97: Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.

98: Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don’t dream about a girl that everyone else has.

99: The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

100: Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

101: Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

102: You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

103: You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

104: Real men don’t cry…tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.

105: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

106: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

107: Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

108: What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

109: How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

110: How do men define a ’50/50′ relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

111: How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

112: Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

113: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

114: Men are like placemats, they only show up when there’s food on the table.

115: Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her.

116: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.

117: A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

118: Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

119: Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth.

120: A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that’s why you need to have a spare one.

121: Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

122: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They’re married.

123: Never trust a man that says, ‘Trust me.’ and never trust a woman that says ‘It’s fine.’

124: Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

125: Transitional age is when during a hot day you don’t know what you want – ice cream or beer.

126: I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

127: If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

128: What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!

129: Why don’t men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.

130: All men are idiots…and I married their king.

131: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

132: S.I.N.G.L.E…sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!

133: Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

134: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

135: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

136: Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

137: A woman about sex has to know ‘why?’ and a man ‘where?’

138: My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

139: How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His sentences start with ‘A woman once told me..’

140: A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

141: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask directions.

142: Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.

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