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145 Women One Line Jokes That Are Funny

List of hilarious female one liners that are funny. Collection has female one liners that are feminist, sarcastic, and intended to be funny.

You may also like our compilation of Men vs Women one liners, check that out!

Women one line jokes

One one-liner a day keeps the doctor away! So here we have funny list of women one line jokes to keep you laugh for the day.

1: Being an ugly girl is like being a man……you have to work

2: A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

3: It’s not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.

4: A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

5: To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.

6: My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.

7: How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.

8: You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.

9: What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

10: What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an ‘A’ bra.

11: A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

12: If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut

13: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

14: I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.

15: The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16: If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

17: How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.

18: Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

19: Approach a woman in a bar and whisper ‘Hey, wanna get out of here?’ If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

20: Why don’t witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms!

21: A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

22: How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

23: A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

24: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

25: You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

26: What’s the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.

27: Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

28: You’re so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.

29: Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.

30: If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

31: How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

32: Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

33: Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I’d check my watch but I can’t take my eyes off you.

34: If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.

35: I’m glad he’s single because I’m going to climb that like a tree.

36: Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

37: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

38: The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.

39: Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

40: I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

41: Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

42: Never laugh at your girlfriends choices… your one of them.

43: No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

44: Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

45: Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

46: You’re the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.

47: You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

48: Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.

49: A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.

50: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

51: The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.

52: What’s the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

53: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

54: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

55: My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

56: What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!

57: No, those pants don’t make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

58: 99% of women say they don’t like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don’t like women.

59: My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

60: Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!

61: Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

62: I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘Somewhere I have never been!’ I told her, ‘How about the kitchen?’

63: A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

64: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

65: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

66: How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

67: Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don’t whistle on the way down.

68: If another woman steals your man, there’s no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can’t be stolen.

69: The best curve on a girl is her smile… Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass.

70: Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.

71: Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

72: Why don’t you trust me?, she texted both the guys simultaneously.

73: Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

74: An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

75: I don’t date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.

76: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?

77: What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

78: Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.

79: S.I.N.G.L.E…sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!

80: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

81: If a dog sniffs your ass, you’re probably a bitch.

82: If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.

83: A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.

84: What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.

85: All my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..

86: Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.

87: How does a woman show she’s planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.

88: Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

89: A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11.

90: Women should not have children after 35. Really … 35 children are enough.

91: Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

92: Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.

93: I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

94: Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

95: They call it ‘pms’ because ‘mad cow disease’ was already taken.

96: If you love a woman, you shouldn’t be ashamed to show her to your wife.

97: In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.

98: Why can’t single women fart? They don’t get an asshole till they get married.

99: I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don’t see them crying about it.

100: The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

101: Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can’t find herself a man. She doesn’t like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn’t like her.

102: If I ever need a heart transplant, I’d want my ex’s. It’s never been used.

103: Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.

104: Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.

105: Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

106: A woman about sex has to know ‘why?’ and a man ‘where?’

107: It’s better to be the first lover than a third wife.

108: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

109: Miss Anders… I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on.

110: Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.

111: Why can’t women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.

112: Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.

113: Where the woman’s neck ends the infinity begins.

114: Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

115: If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

116: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

117: If she says, ‘I’m OK,’ you’re fine. If she says, ‘I’m Fine,’ You’re not OK.

118: A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him.

119: A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

120: The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

121: Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.

122: How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

123: What’s six inches long that women love? Folding money.

124: Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

125: An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women…

126: If a woman has fallen – an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her.

127: Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

128: The only reason the term ‘Ladies first’ was invented was for the guy to check out the woman’s ass.

129: Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

130: Why do women prefer old gynecologists? Their shaky hands!

131: It’s a sin to love another’s wife and a punishment to love yours.

132: When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

133: When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

134: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

135: Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

136: The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. …Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.

137: My wife’s not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, ‘All kids smell that way.’

138: I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

139: A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.

140: Few women admit their age; few men act it.

141: I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

142: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

143: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

144: My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

145: A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

Did you find women one liners funny?

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