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155 Hilarious One Liners Based on Life and Intelligence

Huge collection of funniest one liners about life. Enjoy the hilarious life jokes that are short and funny. These are collection of best funny one-lines about life.

You may also like funny one liners on money and sarcastic one liners as a good read. Additionally, we also have inspirational quotes from leaders across the world.

Life lesson one liners

We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of life lesson based funny lines and enjoy.

1: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

2: Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

3: Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

4: What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

5: If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

6: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

7: For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

8: Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

9: Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

10: That one liner ‘i’m not drinking too much tonight’ never goes as planned…

11: Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

12: It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

13: Paid love costs less.

14: Blind man walks into a bar… And a table, and a chair.

15: Ask me about my vow of silence.

16: An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

17: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

18: A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

19: Smoking is a slow death! But we’re not in a hurry…

20: 26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

21: How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

22: You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it –

23: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

24: I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

25: If at first you don’t succeed: try management.

26: Winter’s coming so I’m knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?

27: You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you’re sleeping with.

28: Don’t make me use UPPERCASE.

29: You don’t notice the air, until someone spoils it.

30: Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

31: Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

32: Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

33: Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

34: Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.

35: Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.

36: From all the butts, ours is the most important.

37: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

38: If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she’s sleeping.

39: I’m never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!

40: People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

41: Life is sexually transmitted.

42: Sorry, I’m out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

43: Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

44: Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

45: Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

46: After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!

47: Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

48: I think I’m agnostic, but I haven’t decided.

49: Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know’s what’s going on?

50: Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.

51: Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

52: If the music’s too loud you’re too old.

53: You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter

54: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

55: Our conscience is clear- we don’t use it.

56: Everything always ends well. If not – it’s probably not the end.

57: Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

58: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

59: Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t!

60: I like to show my girlfriend who’s boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.

61: I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse.’

62: You’re 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, ‘I’m fine’ than when you are flying on an airplane.

63: I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

64: The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

65: I found out about you from my last nightmare.

66: I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

67: The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

68: Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

69: Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.

70: When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

71: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.

72: It’s a pleasure to see you and another – not to see.

73: Life didn’t work out, but everything else is not that bad.

74: What did the light bulb say to the switch? ‘You turn me on.’

75: True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

76: I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said ‘If you can read this the b*tch fell off.’

77: It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

78: My ‘it’s cold outside’ post just went viral on Facebook.

79: Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

80: If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

81: How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

82: Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

83: The reward for a job well done is more work.

84: Laziness is when a person doesn’t fake that he’s working.

85: What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

86: Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

87: I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

88: Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

89: I changed my password to ‘incorrect’. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say ‘Your password is incorrect’.

90: Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

91: My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

92: Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.

93: Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

94: At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

95: Father’s day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.

96: Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

97: I’m not a Facebook status, you don’t have to like me.

98: The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

99: Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

100: There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

101: You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

102: Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.

103: Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself… a piece of cake.

104: I rang up British Telecom, I said, ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’.

105: Karma is like 69. You get what you give.

106: Don’t tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

107: Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.

108: Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

109: I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

110: It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.

111: I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and he’s always on time.

112: Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

113: I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

114: Loltard: Someone who uses ‘lol’ too much.

115: How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

116: I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

117: Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

118: I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

119: Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

120: I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.

121: Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean that my job is a crime?

122: Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

123: Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

124: I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

125: It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

126: It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

127: Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.

128: Back in my day, we didn’t watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

129: Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

130: Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

131: Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.

132: Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?

133: A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ‘Pint please, and one for the road.’

134: The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

135: The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.

136: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

137: Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

138: Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

139: Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

140: The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

141: Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

142: Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

143: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

144: Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.

145: The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.

146: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

147: You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

148: Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

149: I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

150: I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

151: Just remember …if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

152: That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.

153: There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.

154: Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

155: What did the blanket say to the bed? Don’t worry I’ve got you covered!

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