Huge collection of funniest one liners about life. Enjoy the hilarious life jokes that are short and funny. These are collection of best funny one-lines about life.
Life lesson one liners
We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of life lesson based funny lines and enjoy.
1: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
2: Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
3: Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
4: What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
5: If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
6: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.
7: For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
8: Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
9: Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
10: That one liner ‘i’m not drinking too much tonight’ never goes as planned…
11: Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
12: It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
13: Paid love costs less.
14: Blind man walks into a bar… And a table, and a chair.
15: Ask me about my vow of silence.
16: An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
17: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
18: A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
19: Smoking is a slow death! But we’re not in a hurry…
20: 26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
21: How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
22: You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it –
23: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
24: I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
25: If at first you don’t succeed: try management.
26: Winter’s coming so I’m knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?
27: You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you’re sleeping with.
28: Don’t make me use UPPERCASE.
29: You don’t notice the air, until someone spoils it.
30: Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
31: Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
32: Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
33: Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
34: Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.
35: Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.
36: From all the butts, ours is the most important.
37: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
38: If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she’s sleeping.
39: I’m never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
40: People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
41: Life is sexually transmitted.
42: Sorry, I’m out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.
43: Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
44: Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
45: Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
46: After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
47: Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
48: I think I’m agnostic, but I haven’t decided.
49: Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know’s what’s going on?
50: Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.
51: Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
52: If the music’s too loud you’re too old.
53: You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
54: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
55: Our conscience is clear- we don’t use it.
56: Everything always ends well. If not – it’s probably not the end.
57: Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
58: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
59: Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t!
60: I like to show my girlfriend who’s boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.
61: I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse.’
62: You’re 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, ‘I’m fine’ than when you are flying on an airplane.
63: I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
64: The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
65: I found out about you from my last nightmare.
66: I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
67: The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
68: Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
69: Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.
70: When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
71: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.
72: It’s a pleasure to see you and another – not to see.
73: Life didn’t work out, but everything else is not that bad.
74: What did the light bulb say to the switch? ‘You turn me on.’
75: True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
76: I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said ‘If you can read this the b*tch fell off.’
77: It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
78: My ‘it’s cold outside’ post just went viral on Facebook.
79: Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
80: If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
81: How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
82: Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
83: The reward for a job well done is more work.
84: Laziness is when a person doesn’t fake that he’s working.
85: What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!
86: Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
87: I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
88: Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
89: I changed my password to ‘incorrect’. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say ‘Your password is incorrect’.
90: Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
91: My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
92: Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
93: Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
94: At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
95: Father’s day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
96: Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
97: I’m not a Facebook status, you don’t have to like me.
98: The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
99: Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.
100: There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
101: You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.
102: Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.
103: Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself… a piece of cake.
104: I rang up British Telecom, I said, ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’.
105: Karma is like 69. You get what you give.
106: Don’t tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.
107: Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
108: Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
109: I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
110: It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
111: I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and he’s always on time.
112: Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
113: I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
114: Loltard: Someone who uses ‘lol’ too much.
115: How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
116: I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
117: Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
118: I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
119: Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
120: I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.
121: Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean that my job is a crime?
122: Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
123: Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
124: I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
125: It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
126: It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
127: Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.
128: Back in my day, we didn’t watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
129: Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
130: Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
131: Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.
132: Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?
133: A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ‘Pint please, and one for the road.’
134: The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
135: The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
136: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
137: Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
138: Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
139: Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
140: The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
141: Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
142: Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
143: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
144: Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.
145: The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.
146: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
147: You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
148: Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
149: I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
150: I had amnesia once – maybe twice.
151: Just remember …if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
152: That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
153: There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
154: Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
155: What did the blanket say to the bed? Don’t worry I’ve got you covered!
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