Huge collection of funny one liners about life and philosophies that are really funny to read. These hilarious jokes are short, witty, and enjoyable!
Wisdom and Philosophy one liners
We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of funny wisdom and philosophy lines and enjoy.
1: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
2: I’m as bored as a slut on her period.
3: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
4: If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
5: Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
6: A procrastinator’s work is never done.
7: I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
8: You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
9: All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
10: I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That’s why I’m in your house.
11: Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
12: Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
13: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14: The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
15: You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
16: I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
17: Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you’re at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
18: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
19: The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
20: There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
21: There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
22: Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
23: Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
24: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?
25: What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need…A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
26: That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is ‘act natural, you’re innocent’.
27: I am busy contemplating my future. Don’t worry, this will only take a minute.
28: I named my hard drive ‘dat ass’ so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
29: The end of a relationship isn’t the worst thing. It’s worse when it doesn’t end after the end.
30: Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
31: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of – and solution to – all life’s problems.
32: I love my life, but it just wants to be friends…
33: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
34: Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.
35: IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
36: A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
37: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
38: The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
39: God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
40: I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
41: Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
42: I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
43: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
44: I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.
45: If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
46: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They’re trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
47: Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
48: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
49: You can’t know a person well until you live with them. You can’t know them really well until you divorce them.
50: Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
51: Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
52: If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
53: Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
54: If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?
55: My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
56: Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
57: Tired isn’t even a temporary state for me anymore it’s more like a part of my personality at this point.
58: When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I’m sad, they only say ‘Oh sorry’ or ‘Well that sucks’.
59: You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
60: How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
61: Everything becomes 100 times louder when you’re trying not to wake someone up.
62: Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
63: If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
64: Don’t drink while driving – you will spill the beer.
65: Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
66: I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
67: He who hesitates is boss.
68: A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the ‘b’ is silent.
69: There are no winners in life …only survivors.
70: If breaks are meant to be slow… then why do they call it ‘breakfast’?
71: Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
72: Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
73: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
74: Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
75: When you don’t know, what you are doing, it’s best, to do it quickly.
76: If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn’t lick your fingers at lunch time.
77: Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?
78: What was Forrest Gump’s email password? ‘1forrest1’
79: There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.
80: That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
81: Generally, all generalisations are false.
82: Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
83: According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.
84: All the problems fade before a hangover
85: I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
86: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.
87: We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
88: There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
89: Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
90: The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
91: Don’t be irreplaceable – if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
92: Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It’s all a load of shit.
93: Never answer an anonymous letter.
94: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
95: I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
96: Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that..
97: I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
98: See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
99: It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
100: Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
101: Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
102: I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
103: Slept like a log last night… Woke up in the fireplace.
104: To the question ‘What are you doing here?’ 72% answered negative.
105: I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
106: I’m not crazy; I’ve just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.
107: Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
108: It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.
109: I sometimes watch birds and wonder ‘If I could fly who would I shit on?’
110: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
111: Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
112: Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
113: You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
114: I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.
115: I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
116: An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
117: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
118: A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
119: I’ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can’t catch my breath.
120: Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
121: That awkward moment when you’re in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
122: Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
123: Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.
124: if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects?
125: I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it
126: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
127: You’re not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
128: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
129: If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
130: If you can’t buy a person, you can always sell him.
131: A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
132: Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.
133: The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
134: Transitional age is when during a hot day you don’t know what you want – ice cream or beer.
135: Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.
136: Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
137: Scientists proved that cows don’t give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!
138: I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
139: I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
140: This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
141: The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!’
142: All my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
143: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
144: Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
145: It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
146: Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn’t mean that all men are blind.
147: A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
148: If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
149: It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
150: Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.
151: Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
152: We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
153: I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
154: I don’t care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.
155: Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
156: Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
157: Men mostly hate two words: ‘not’ and ‘enough’… unless you say them together.
158: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
159: Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.
160: We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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