Huge collection of funny one liners about life and philosophies that are really funny to read. These hilarious jokes are short, witty, and enjoyable!
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Wisdom and Philosophy one liners
We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of funny wisdom and philosophy lines and enjoy.
1: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
2: I’m as bored as a slut on her period.
3: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
4: If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
5: Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
6: A procrastinator’s work is never done.
7: I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
8: You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
9: All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
10: I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That’s why I’m in your house.
11: Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
12: Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
13: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14: The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
15: You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
16: I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
17: Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you’re at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
18: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
19: The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
20: There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
21: There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
22: Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
23: Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
24: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?
25: What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need…A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
26: That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is ‘act natural, you’re innocent’.
27: I am busy contemplating my future. Don’t worry, this will only take a minute.
28: I named my hard drive ‘dat ass’ so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
29: The end of a relationship isn’t the worst thing. It’s worse when it doesn’t end after the end.
30: Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
31: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of – and solution to – all life’s problems.
32: I love my life, but it just wants to be friends…
33: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
34: Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.
35: IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
36: A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
37: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
38: The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
39: God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
40: I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
41: Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
42: I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
43: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
44: I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.
45: If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
46: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They’re trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
47: Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
48: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
49: You can’t know a person well until you live with them. You can’t know them really well until you divorce them.
50: Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
51: Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
52: If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
53: Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
54: If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?
55: My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
56: Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
57: Tired isn’t even a temporary state for me anymore it’s more like a part of my personality at this point.
58: When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I’m sad, they only say ‘Oh sorry’ or ‘Well that sucks’.
59: You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
60: How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
61: Everything becomes 100 times louder when you’re trying not to wake someone up.
62: Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
63: If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
64: Don’t drink while driving – you will spill the beer.
65: Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
66: I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
67: He who hesitates is boss.
68: A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the ‘b’ is silent.
69: There are no winners in life …only survivors.
70: If breaks are meant to be slow… then why do they call it ‘breakfast’?
71: Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
72: Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
73: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
74: Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
75: When you don’t know, what you are doing, it’s best, to do it quickly.
76: If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn’t lick your fingers at lunch time.
77: Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?
78: What was Forrest Gump’s email password? ‘1forrest1’
79: There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.
80: That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
81: Generally, all generalisations are false.
82: Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
83: According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.
84: All the problems fade before a hangover
85: I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
86: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.
87: We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
88: There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
89: Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
90: The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
91: Don’t be irreplaceable – if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
92: Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It’s all a load of shit.
93: Never answer an anonymous letter.
94: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
95: I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
96: Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that..
97: I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
98: See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
99: It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
100: Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
101: Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
102: I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
103: Slept like a log last night… Woke up in the fireplace.
104: To the question ‘What are you doing here?’ 72% answered negative.
105: I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
106: I’m not crazy; I’ve just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.
107: Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
108: It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.
109: I sometimes watch birds and wonder ‘If I could fly who would I shit on?’
110: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
111: Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
112: Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
113: You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
114: I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.
115: I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
116: An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
117: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
118: A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
119: I’ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can’t catch my breath.
120: Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
121: That awkward moment when you’re in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
122: Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
123: Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.
124: if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects?
125: I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it
126: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
127: You’re not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
128: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
129: If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
130: If you can’t buy a person, you can always sell him.
131: A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
132: Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.
133: The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
134: Transitional age is when during a hot day you don’t know what you want – ice cream or beer.
135: Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.
136: Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
137: Scientists proved that cows don’t give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!
138: I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
139: I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
140: This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
141: The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!’
142: All my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
143: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
144: Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
145: It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
146: Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn’t mean that all men are blind.
147: A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
148: If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
149: It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
150: Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.
151: Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
152: We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
153: I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
154: I don’t care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.
155: Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
156: Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
157: Men mostly hate two words: ‘not’ and ‘enough’… unless you say them together.
158: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
159: Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.
160: We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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