Tabloid India » One Liners » 182 Non-veg One Liner Jokes that are Just Sexy

182 Non-veg One Liner Jokes that are Just Sexy

1: Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!

2: A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

3: But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

4: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

5: What´s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.

6: Anyone have any sex laying around they’re not using I could borrow?

7: Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don’t dream about a girl that everyone else has.

8: Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

9: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

10: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

11: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

12: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.

13: There’s something actionable in your pants.

14: Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

15: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off

16: Why are black guys eyes red after sex? From the pepper spray.

17: What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.

18: During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

19: I think I’ll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

20: Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

21: Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

22: Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

23: FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

24: Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.

25: Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

26: I run faster horny than you do scared.

27: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

28: If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.

29: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.

30: What did the black girl say while having sex? Dad get off me your crushing my ciggies.

31: I think the only time my ex didn’t fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

32: Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.

33: Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I’ve been using money.

34: It is always the wrong time of month.

35: Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

36: Anal intercourse is for assholes.

37: Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

38: My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!

39: My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

40: Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

41: The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.

42: What is the definition of ‘making love’? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

43: I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

44: What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? ‘Honey, I’m home!’

45: If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …

46: What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’, only you do it yourself.

47: The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.

48: If God hadn’t meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn’t have made it look like a taco.

49: Virginity is curable.

50: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.

51: Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

52: Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

53: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.

54: I love oral sex… it’s the phone bill I hate.

55: Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.

56: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

57: Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

58: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

59: Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.

60: Life is sexually transmitted.

61: 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

62: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? ‘Beat it – we’re closed.’

63: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx….)

64: What’s the definition of ‘Tender Love?’ Two gays with hemorrhoids.

65: What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’? About three inches.

66: How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

67: Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.

68: What’s the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

69: The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

70: A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

71: A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

72: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

73: An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

74: My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, ‘your daughter’ wasn’t the right answer.

75: Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

76: Why doesn’t a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.

77: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

78: My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

79: Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

80: Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.

81: Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.

82: Why is air a lot like sex? Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

83: Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.

84: Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

85: A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, ‘Depends on what’s in it for me.’

86: Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

87: What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they’re fucked.

88: Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? ‘They’ll never see you coming.’

89: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

90: What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

91: The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

92: Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

93: Karma is like 69. You get what you give.

94: Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

95: Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they’re 100% off,

96: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

97: Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

98: I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, ‘No, one drag is enough.’

99: You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.

100: What’s ’68’? You do me and I owe you one.

101: Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

102: If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.

103: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.

104: Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.

105: Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?

106: My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say ‘Now son, this may hurt a bit’.

107: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He’s breathing.

108: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

109: Why do men like masturbation? It’s sex with someone they love.

110: Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

111: What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

112: If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

113: Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

114: Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

115: Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

116: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

117: Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love

118: A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

119: Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?

120: Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

121: You are so tall in my eyes that they can’t rise higher than your waist.

122: Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

123: Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

124: For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer…

125: I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

126: Weak men have a lover, strong men – three.

127: The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

128: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.

129: Doggies just call it style.

130: If a woman gave in very fast it’s not because of the man but the men that came before him.

131: I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.

132: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

133: You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

134: Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

135: Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

136: If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A hole in it.

137: A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)

138: Why is sex like a bridge game? You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

139: Paid love costs less.

140: If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut

141: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

142: Hi, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink…and then get sexual.

143: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

144: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ‘Yes’ is the answer.

145: Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.

146: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.

147: Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

148: What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? ‘Are you done?’

149: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

150: That awkward moment when you’re about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

151: I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

152: Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

153: What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.

154: Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

155: What’s one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view.

156: Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

157: The three words most hated by men during sex? ‘Are you In?’ or ‘Is It In?’

158: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

159: What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

160: A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11.

161: Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.

162: Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

163: The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she’s pretty he’s not my friend.

164: I came inside of her not because of the fame but because of the human life on earth.

165: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!

166: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

167: Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings’.

168: The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.

169: I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

170: I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can’t watch porn…

171: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man’s undivided attention!

172: Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

173: My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That’s where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

174: Men mostly hate two words: ‘not’ and ‘enough’… unless you say them together.

175: I’d like to think inside your box.

176: If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?

177: You’re so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.

178: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? ‘Is it in?’

179: A woman about sex has to know ‘why?’ and a man ‘where?’

180: Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

181: How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

182: Whats long and hard on a nigger? First grade.

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