2: A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.
3: But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
4: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
5: What´s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.
6: Anyone have any sex laying around they’re not using I could borrow?
7: Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don’t dream about a girl that everyone else has.
8: Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
9: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.
10: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
11: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
12: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.
13: There’s something actionable in your pants.
14: Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
15: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off
16: Why are black guys eyes red after sex? From the pepper spray.
17: What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.
18: During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
19: I think I’ll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
20: Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
21: Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
22: Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.
23: FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.
24: Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.
25: Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
26: I run faster horny than you do scared.
27: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
28: If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.
29: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
30: What did the black girl say while having sex? Dad get off me your crushing my ciggies.
31: I think the only time my ex didn’t fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
32: Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.
33: Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I’ve been using money.
34: It is always the wrong time of month.
35: Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
36: Anal intercourse is for assholes.
37: Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
38: My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!
39: My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
40: Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
41: The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.
42: What is the definition of ‘making love’? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
43: I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
44: What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? ‘Honey, I’m home!’
45: If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …
46: What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’, only you do it yourself.
47: The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.
48: If God hadn’t meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn’t have made it look like a taco.
49: Virginity is curable.
50: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
51: Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
52: Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
53: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.
54: I love oral sex… it’s the phone bill I hate.
55: Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.
56: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
57: Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
58: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
59: Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.
60: Life is sexually transmitted.
61: 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
62: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? ‘Beat it – we’re closed.’
63: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx….)
64: What’s the definition of ‘Tender Love?’ Two gays with hemorrhoids.
65: What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’? About three inches.
66: How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.
67: Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
68: What’s the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
69: The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.
70: A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
71: A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
72: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
73: An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
74: My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, ‘your daughter’ wasn’t the right answer.
75: Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
76: Why doesn’t a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
77: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
78: My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
79: Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
80: Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.
81: Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.
82: Why is air a lot like sex? Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
83: Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.
84: Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
85: A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, ‘Depends on what’s in it for me.’
86: Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
87: What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they’re fucked.
88: Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? ‘They’ll never see you coming.’
89: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
90: What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
91: The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
92: Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
93: Karma is like 69. You get what you give.
94: Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
95: Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they’re 100% off,
96: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
97: Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
98: I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, ‘No, one drag is enough.’
99: You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.
100: What’s ’68’? You do me and I owe you one.
101: Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
102: If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.
103: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
104: Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.
105: Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?
106: My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say ‘Now son, this may hurt a bit’.
107: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He’s breathing.
108: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
109: Why do men like masturbation? It’s sex with someone they love.
110: Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
111: What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.
112: If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
113: Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
114: Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.
115: Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.
116: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
117: Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love
118: A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
119: Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?
120: Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
121: You are so tall in my eyes that they can’t rise higher than your waist.
122: Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
123: Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
124: For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer…
125: I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
126: Weak men have a lover, strong men – three.
127: The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
128: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.
129: Doggies just call it style.
130: If a woman gave in very fast it’s not because of the man but the men that came before him.
131: I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.
132: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
133: You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
134: Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
135: Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
136: If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A hole in it.
137: A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)
138: Why is sex like a bridge game? You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.
139: Paid love costs less.
140: If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
141: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
142: Hi, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink…and then get sexual.
143: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
144: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ‘Yes’ is the answer.
145: Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.
146: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.
147: Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
148: What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? ‘Are you done?’
149: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
150: That awkward moment when you’re about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
151: I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
152: Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
153: What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
154: Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
155: What’s one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view.
156: Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
157: The three words most hated by men during sex? ‘Are you In?’ or ‘Is It In?’
158: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
159: What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
160: A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11.
161: Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.
162: Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
163: The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she’s pretty he’s not my friend.
164: I came inside of her not because of the fame but because of the human life on earth.
165: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!
166: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
167: Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings’.
168: The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.
169: I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
170: I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can’t watch porn…
171: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man’s undivided attention!
172: Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
173: My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That’s where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.
174: Men mostly hate two words: ‘not’ and ‘enough’… unless you say them together.
175: I’d like to think inside your box.
176: If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?
177: You’re so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
178: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? ‘Is it in?’
179: A woman about sex has to know ‘why?’ and a man ‘where?’
180: Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!
181: How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
182: Whats long and hard on a nigger? First grade.
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