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182 Non-veg One Liner Jokes that are Just Sexy

Collection of really sexy one liner jokes that are of non veg type. These short one lines are for adult readers and intended to be sexy, dirty, and romantic.

Non-veg one liner jokes

We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of non-veg lines and enjoy.

1: Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!

2: A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

3: But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

4: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

5: What´s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.

6: Anyone have any sex laying around they’re not using I could borrow?

7: Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don’t dream about a girl that everyone else has.

8: Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

9: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

10: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

11: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

12: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.

13: There’s something actionable in your pants.

14: Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

15: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off

16: Why are black guys eyes red after sex? From the pepper spray.

17: What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.

18: During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

19: I think I’ll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

20: Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

21: Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

22: Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

23: FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

24: Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.

25: Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

26: I run faster horny than you do scared.

27: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

28: If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.

29: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.

30: What did the black girl say while having sex? Dad get off me your crushing my ciggies.

31: I think the only time my ex didn’t fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

32: Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.

33: Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I’ve been using money.

34: It is always the wrong time of month.

35: Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

36: Anal intercourse is for assholes.

37: Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

38: My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!

39: My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

40: Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

41: The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.

42: What is the definition of ‘making love’? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

43: I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

44: What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? ‘Honey, I’m home!’

45: If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …

46: What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’, only you do it yourself.

47: The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.

48: If God hadn’t meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn’t have made it look like a taco.

49: Virginity is curable.

50: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.

51: Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

52: Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

53: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.

54: I love oral sex… it’s the phone bill I hate.

55: Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.

56: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

57: Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

58: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

59: Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.

60: Life is sexually transmitted.

61: 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

62: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? ‘Beat it – we’re closed.’

63: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx….)

64: What’s the definition of ‘Tender Love?’ Two gays with hemorrhoids.

65: What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’? About three inches.

66: How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

67: Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.

68: What’s the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

69: The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

70: A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

71: A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

72: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

73: An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

74: My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, ‘your daughter’ wasn’t the right answer.

75: Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

76: Why doesn’t a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.

77: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

78: My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

79: Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

80: Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.

81: Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.

82: Why is air a lot like sex? Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

83: Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.

84: Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

85: A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, ‘Depends on what’s in it for me.’

86: Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

87: What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they’re fucked.

88: Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? ‘They’ll never see you coming.’

89: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

90: What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

91: The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

92: Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

93: Karma is like 69. You get what you give.

94: Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

95: Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they’re 100% off,

96: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

97: Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

98: I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, ‘No, one drag is enough.’

99: You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.

100: What’s ’68’? You do me and I owe you one.

101: Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

102: If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.

103: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.

104: Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.

105: Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?

106: My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say ‘Now son, this may hurt a bit’.

107: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He’s breathing.

108: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

109: Why do men like masturbation? It’s sex with someone they love.

110: Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

111: What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

112: If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

113: Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

114: Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

115: Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

116: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

117: Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love

118: A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

119: Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?

120: Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

121: You are so tall in my eyes that they can’t rise higher than your waist.

122: Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

123: Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

124: For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer…

125: I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

126: Weak men have a lover, strong men – three.

127: The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

128: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.

129: Doggies just call it style.

130: If a woman gave in very fast it’s not because of the man but the men that came before him.

131: I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.

132: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

133: You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

134: Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

135: Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

136: If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A hole in it.

137: A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)

138: Why is sex like a bridge game? You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

139: Paid love costs less.

140: If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut

141: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

142: Hi, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink…and then get sexual.

143: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

144: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ‘Yes’ is the answer.

145: Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.

146: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.

147: Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

148: What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? ‘Are you done?’

149: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

150: That awkward moment when you’re about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

151: I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

152: Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

153: What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.

154: Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

155: What’s one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view.

156: Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

157: The three words most hated by men during sex? ‘Are you In?’ or ‘Is It In?’

158: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

159: What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

160: A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11.

161: Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.

162: Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

163: The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she’s pretty he’s not my friend.

164: I came inside of her not because of the fame but because of the human life on earth.

165: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!

166: How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

167: Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings’.

168: The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.

169: I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

170: I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can’t watch porn…

171: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man’s undivided attention!

172: Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

173: My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That’s where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

174: Men mostly hate two words: ‘not’ and ‘enough’… unless you say them together.

175: I’d like to think inside your box.

176: If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?

177: You’re so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.

178: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? ‘Is it in?’

179: A woman about sex has to know ‘why?’ and a man ‘where?’

180: Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

181: How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

182: Whats long and hard on a nigger? First grade.

Did you find non-veg one liners funny?

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