Collection of some of the best one liners on life that are hilarious, meaningful, full of wisdom, sarcastic, and some are simply funny. These life one liner jokes are intended to be funny to read.
Funny wisdom based jokes and wise quotes are always good fun to read and enjoy.
Wise and meaningful funny one liners
We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of wise and funny one lines and enjoy.
1: Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
2: What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
3: Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
4: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.
5: Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog.
6: Trust but verify.
7: Is everything expensive or I’m just poor?
8: I thought I was just really tired but it’s been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
9: A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
10: There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
11: A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
12: The road to success is always under construction.
13: We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, ‘Assembly required.’
14: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
15: Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
16: Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
17: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
18: If you have worked and didn’t get anything, it means someone else got it.
19: The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
20: Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
21: Why are birthday’s good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
22: What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’, only you do it yourself.
23: Constipated people don’t give a crap.
24: If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
25: Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days.
26: No one is listening until you fart.
27: She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
28: You won’t drink away the alcoholism.
29: A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
30: Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
31: The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.
32: The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
33: Cake: the answer, no matter the question.
34: Only in America … do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
35: If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’
36: My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
37: I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
38: Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
39: There’s good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.
40: The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
41: Comedy is tragedy plus time.
42: Haven’t seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too.
43: I’m selling a parachute – just as new, used only one time, didn’t open once.
44: An idea came to the mind, and now she’s searching for the brain.
45: Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’
46: You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
47: Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
48: Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
49: Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.
50: I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
51: Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
52: The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
53: A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind.
54: Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
55: What’s the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist
56: If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
57: Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
58: Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
59: When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper ‘You did this.’
60: just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
61: Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
62: ‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?’ a Thought said and killed herself…
63: We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
64: It’s so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
65: There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
66: No one is listening until you make a mistake.
67: If you’re looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.
68: Only an ass can be divided in half.
69: Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
70: When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
71: Only dead fish go with the flow.
72: Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
73: Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
74: Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
75: A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…
76: The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
77: I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
78: If someone is spitting behind you, it means you’re in front.
79: Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
80: A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
81: It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
82: Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
83: Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
84: A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.
85: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
86: By the cup of Nescafé even the most secret thoughts turn into words, and by the bottle of vodka – into actions.
87: Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.
88: Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
89: A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
90: I dont care or think about the people in my past… there is some reason why they didn’t make it to my future!
91: I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
92: I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
93: Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places.
94: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
95: Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
96: A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
97: It doesn’t matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.
98: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.
99: A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
100: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
101: My drinking team has a bowling problem.
102: Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
103: I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
104: Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
105: I got drunk last night and my house wasn’t where I left it.
106: If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what’s the speed of darkness?
107: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
108: People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.
109: I feel like Tampax – at a good place, but wrong time…
110: FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.
111: Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.
112: Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
113: My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
114: If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.
115: Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
116: I’m sorry and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
117: Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
118: My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, ‘your daughter’ wasn’t the right answer.
119: As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free…
120: Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs.
121: There’s a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain.
122: Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.
123: A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
124: Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
125: If you got tired of living, don’t share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind…
126: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
127: Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
128: I said ‘no’ to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
129: Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
130: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
131: You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
132: Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
133: Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they’re so rare.
134: If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
135: I swear to drunk I’m not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don’t do vegetables.
136: Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
137: Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.
138: I intend to live forever… or die trying.
139: I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
140: You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
141: Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really…
142: Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.
143: Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.
144: How do they say ‘fuck you’ in Los Angeles? ‘Trust me.’
145: I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
146: When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
147: We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
148: Twitter is my ‘serious’ account. My Bank account is the ‘joke’ one.
149: Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
150: I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
151: The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
152: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
153: A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
154: Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ‘ate’ nine.
155: The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
156: Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
157: Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
158: How Do they say ‘F**k You’ in Hollywood? ‘Trust Me…’
159: Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
160: The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
161: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
162: Apparently, saying ‘Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you’ isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
163: My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
164: Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.
165: If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
166: Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
167: My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day.
168: I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There’s no limit to how much they can charge me.
169: Do you need space? Join NASA!
170: You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
171: For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
172: What goes up and never comes down? Your age!
173: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
174: Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.
175: Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
176: Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
177: How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
178: The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
179: Man’s appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows.
180: I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
181: No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
182: Everyone has a photographic memory, some don’t have film.
183: Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.
184: If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?
185: One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.
186: The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end.
187: I like the sound of you not talking.
188: Did you hear about the child with AIDS? it never gets old. I own an abortion clinic called ‘Don’t Kid Yourself’
189: Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
190: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
191: I’m pretty sure I’m going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for.
192: We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
193: Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
194: Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
195: Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable …like a coma.
196: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
197: I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
198: Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
199: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
200: Life is too complicated in the morning.
201: However lonely you feel, you’re never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.
202: A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
203: If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.
204: Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.
205: You can’t sleep either? Says a voice from under your bed.
206: Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out.
207: God sees everything. Neighbors – even more… Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are…
208: I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
209: If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
210: Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.
211: I’m the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.
212: Evolution: True science fiction.
213: A beautiful woman delights a man’s eye, an ugly – woman’s eye.
214: What´s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.
215: When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
216: There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot
217: Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
218: When you try to prove to someone that something doesn’t work, it will.
219: Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
220: People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with ‘lol’ should be shot.
221: Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
222: If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer …oh wait, he does.
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