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63 Funny One Liners on Children and Parents

Funniest collection of kids one liner jokes. Enjoy the clean and hilarious short and funny one liners about children.

You may also like our collection of easy kids trivia and kids what am I riddles as a good fun read.

Parents and Kids one liner jokes

We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of parents & kids funny lines and enjoy.

1: Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.

2: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

3: The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

4: By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

5: A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

6: When your kids are little you’re a superhero. When they’re teens you’re a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.

7: Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

8: My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

9: Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

10: Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

11: My five-year-old: ‘I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!’ No two-week notice or anything. She’d better not expect a reference.

12: Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

13: Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

14: If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

15: Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

16: Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.

17: Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

18: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

19: Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

20: Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles ‘how to read a book’.

21: I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

22: My wife’s not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, ‘All kids smell that way.’

23: My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

24: Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.

25: Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

26: If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

27: My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

28: Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

29: The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

30: I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

31: When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.’

32: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

33: If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

34: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.

35: How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

36: It’s uncomfortable when the neighbor’s kids look like you.

37: I would give my dad what he really wants on Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.

38: Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

39: Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called ‘Headmaster?’

40: Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!

41: Women should not have children after 35. Really … 35 children are enough.

42: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it’s the men who play with them the most.

43: No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

44: The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

45: I think I’ll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

46: I think I’ll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

47: I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

48: A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’

49: if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects?

50: Did you hear about the child with AIDS? it never gets old. I own an abortion clinic called ‘Don’t Kid Yourself’

51: When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says ‘hey, I just wanna be friends.’

52: Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

53: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

54: One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, ‘Please send me a sister.’ Santa Clause wrote him back, ‘Ok, send me your mother.’

55: You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

56: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

57: The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common ‘enemy’.

58: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.’

59: When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

60: I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

61: It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.

62: We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

63: Kids, don’t grow up… it’s a trap!

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