Funny attitude one liners
We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of funny attitude lines and enjoy.
1: A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
2: Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
3: When you don’t know, what you are doing, it’s best, to do it quickly.
4: Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days.
5: How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
6: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
7: Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
8: Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
9: Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says ‘If an emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’. What’s my mother going to do?
10: I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
11: Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.
12: Smoking is a slow death! But we’re not in a hurry…
13: I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
14: I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
15: You don’t notice the air, until someone spoils it.
16: I think I’ll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
17: An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
18: Karma takes too long, I’d rather beat the shit out of you just now.
19: The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it’s over.
20: I’m an adult. I don’t cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.
21: When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
22: If you’re looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.
23: I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium.
24: If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
25: Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
26: If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
27: Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
28: Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
29: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30: You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you’re sleeping with.
31: Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
32: What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that’s ugly but doesn’t give a hoot!
33: I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
34: Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
35: Our conscience is clear- we don’t use it.
36: If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
37: I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.
38: If you can’t beat the record, you can beat up its owner.
39: Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
40: You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
41: A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
42: One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
43: Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
44: There’s good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.
45: Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
46: Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!
47: To weigh 50 kilos and say that you’re fat, that is so female…
48: A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
49: If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
50: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
51: There are no limits to my perfection – a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.
52: The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.
53: You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
54: I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
55: Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
56: She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
57: Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
58: The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
59: Do you need space? Join NASA!
60: Legends don’t die… I am a living example!
61: Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
62: If you can’t buy a person, you can always sell him.
63: When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, ‘A very good doctor’.
64: I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.
65: I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
66: I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
67: Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
68: I hate two-faced people. It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.
69: You’re not sure – outrun and make sure.
70: I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
71: Transitional age is when during a hot day you don’t know what you want – ice cream or beer.
72: To the question ‘What are you doing here?’ 72% answered negative.
73: I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
74: My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
75: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
76: If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.
77: If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.
78: They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.
79: I am known at the gym as the ‘before picture.’
80: Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
81: When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
82: I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
83: We must pay for the mistakes of our youth… at the drugstore.
84: Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
85: I’m not crazy; I’ve just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.
86: I’ve put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.
87: When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper ‘You did this.’
88: Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.
89: Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
90: If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.
91: I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
92: I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
93: Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
94: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
95: How is education going to make me smarter?
96: If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
97: In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don’t have such a principle.
98: I don’t care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.
99: Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
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