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99 One Liner Jokes making Fun of Human Attitude

Collection of funny short jokes and one liner jokes about human attitude. Read them for fun, text them to your friends to be more funnier !!

You will also find related funny one liners on Perspective vs actual reality and communication as a good read.

Funny attitude one liners

We repeat the line “One liner a day, keeps a doctor away” just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. So check this list of funny attitude lines and enjoy.

1: A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

2: Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

3: When you don’t know, what you are doing, it’s best, to do it quickly.

4: Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days.

5: How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

6: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

7: Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

8: Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

9: Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says ‘If an emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’. What’s my mother going to do?

10: I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

11: Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.

12: Smoking is a slow death! But we’re not in a hurry…

13: I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

14: I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

15: You don’t notice the air, until someone spoils it.

16: I think I’ll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

17: An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

18: Karma takes too long, I’d rather beat the shit out of you just now.

19: The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it’s over.

20: I’m an adult. I don’t cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

21: When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

22: If you’re looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.

23: I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium.

24: If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

25: Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

26: If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

27: Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.

28: Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

29: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30: You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you’re sleeping with.

31: Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

32: What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that’s ugly but doesn’t give a hoot!

33: I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

34: Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

35: Our conscience is clear- we don’t use it.

36: If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

37: I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

38: If you can’t beat the record, you can beat up its owner.

39: Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

40: You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

41: A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

42: One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.

43: Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.

44: There’s good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.

45: Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

46: Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!

47: To weigh 50 kilos and say that you’re fat, that is so female…

48: A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

49: If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.

50: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

51: There are no limits to my perfection – a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.

52: The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.

53: You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

54: I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

55: Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

56: She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

57: Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

58: The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.

59: Do you need space? Join NASA!

60: Legends don’t die… I am a living example!

61: Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

62: If you can’t buy a person, you can always sell him.

63: When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, ‘A very good doctor’.

64: I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

65: I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

66: I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

67: Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

68: I hate two-faced people. It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.

69: You’re not sure – outrun and make sure.

70: I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

71: Transitional age is when during a hot day you don’t know what you want – ice cream or beer.

72: To the question ‘What are you doing here?’ 72% answered negative.

73: I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.

74: My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

75: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

76: If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.

77: If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

78: They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.

79: I am known at the gym as the ‘before picture.’

80: Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.

81: When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

82: I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

83: We must pay for the mistakes of our youth… at the drugstore.

84: Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.

85: I’m not crazy; I’ve just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.

86: I’ve put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.

87: When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper ‘You did this.’

88: Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.

89: Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

90: If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.

91: I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

92: I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.

93: Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

94: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

95: How is education going to make me smarter?

96: If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

97: In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don’t have such a principle.

98: I don’t care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

99: Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Did you find attitude one liners funny?

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