26 One Liner Quotes by Comedian Henny Youngman

Collection of famous quotes by American comedian Henny Youngman.

Henry “Henny” Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the “one-liner”; his best known one-liner being “Take my wife … please”

Tabloid India has collection of 100’s of thousands of Quotable Quotes categorized by author and topics.

Best Quotes by Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out she’ll kill me.

— Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

— Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it and puts in into an unlocked car.

— Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad but New York City?

— Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

— Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

— Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

— Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

— Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love a little affection a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house that’s what it means.

— Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love a little affection a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house that’s what it means.

— Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love a little affection a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house that’s what it means.

— Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

— Henny Youngman

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

— Henny Youngman

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.

— Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

— Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

— Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

— Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up – they have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

Which quote by Henny Youngman you like the most?

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